Jay Peak and Burke Sold to Quebec
[Eds note: This post was published on April 1, 2019 — hint: April Fools Day.]
In an unprecedented move that appears to be a win-win for all parties, Governor Phil Scott and Prime Minister Justin Trudeau have announced that the province of Quebec will be annexing Jay Peak and Burke Mountain Resorts. At a joint press briefing on Sunday, Prime Minister Trudeau said he’d been searching for a ski house in Vermont when he came across this listing for Jay Peak. “We Canadians are frugal and how can I phrase this except to say: location, location, location and the price was right.“
Under the agreement, the Canadian government will offer an undisclosed sum for the two resorts, which, along with the surrounding condos, hotels and amenities, will become part of Quebec. The resorts have been in receivership following the EB-5 fraud scandal and recently were put on the market.
Both resorts, which are less than 30 miles from the border, will offer new year-round season passes that will serve as photo IDs for expedited border crossings. New RFID scanners (formerly used at Stowe Mountain Resort, then discarded after the Vail Resorts purchase) will be installed at the Newport, Derby Line and St. Albans border patrol stations.
“While everyone has been focused on the Mexican border, the national media has all but ignored the caravans of Quebecois cars with loaded ski racks that have been trying to cross into Vermont,” noted Vermont Governor Phil Scott, adding,“If you thought the weekend traffic at your ski area was bad, you should see what was happening up north. ”
On a recent powder weekend, angry Montrealers lined up at the St. Albans border, waving bottles of Canadian Club and threatening to riot if they had to wait another hour at customs. “We considered declaring a national emergency but then decided this offered a better solution,” said Gov. Scott.
While the land between the two resorts will remain part of Vermont, the resorts themselves, access roads leading to them, and everything on the trail maps will be considered Canadian territory. The glades off Big Jay, however, and Burke Mountain Academy will remain in Vermont, thanks to a grant from the Shiffrin Foundation.
“We believe the excellent skiing, the waterpark at Jay, the mountain bike facilities at Burke – these are all magnificent things, eh? And tabernac, both resorts have formidable poutine,” Prime Minister Trudeau exclaimed. Trudeau, who has been spotted snowboarding in Vermont, pledged that these will become his new home mountains.
When asked to elaborate on the sale price, Gov. Scott responded: “It’s enough to fix every pothole in Vermont, with maybe a little left over to clean up parts of Missisquoi Bay,” he said, referring the northern branch of Lake Champlain that has been plagued by algae blooms.
“Ever since the EB-5 scandal that caused two of these important resorts to go into receivership we’ve been looking at the best ways to bring jobs and revenue to this area,” said Gov. Scott. “Already, those resorts accept the Canadian loonie at par and close to 80 percent of the Jay Peak and Burke Mountain resort visitors are from Quebec. By annexing them we will avoid the national customs and border crossing issues that have made headlines in recent months.”
“It’s like a reverse Brexit,” Gov. Scott’s chief of staff, Jason Gibbs, explained in an interview later, “except it’s easier since both Quebec and Vermont’s Northeast Kingdom cultivate similar, quality products: skiing, weed and maple syrup. Plus, this gives Canadians access to way better beer—Vermont double IPAs.”
Steve Wright, the general manager of Jay Peak will stay on and has been granted honorary Canadian citizenship. “We will be making a few subtle changes,” he noted. “Beginning in 2020, the resort will be transitioning to the Francophone spelling, ‘J’ai Pique’ and Burke will become ‘Burke´ (pronounced Burke-eh)’. ” All waffle houses will become creperies. “We’ll also be welcoming the Montreal Canadiens to practice at our Ice Haus (to be renamed Maison de Glace) rink,” Wright said.
Accredited members of both resorts’ ski patrols will now be licensed to perform routine medical procedures covered by Canada’s nationalized healthcare system, such as vasectomies.
While Canada also put in a bid for Kingdom Trails, Kingdom Trails communications manager Lily Ride said that deal was off the table: “No friggin’ way.” She admitted she was concerned about the impact on the mountain bike trail system and beer shortages at Mike’s Tiki Bar. “We respect our Canadian brethren— they live in desperately cold conditions, work hard and deserve the chance to make fresh tracks here. But the crowding has me concerned— I just hope we don’t have to build a wall,” she said with a sigh.
#AprilFools, #Notthenews
Best April Fool’s joke i’ve seen in a long, long time. Great writing !!! 😜
I love it yes it had to be a april fools joke
Maureen Hurley Dupont,
How’s your French?
I fell for it, then actually slowed down to read the whacky details. My family has for generations owned a farm in Sutton with fabulous views of Burke Mt. My head was spinning that it would have a view of a Quebec owned ski resort. — just sign me gullible.
Damn! They had me for a second, until I read where they would become part of Quebec! LOL!!!!!
Build that wall
Not Funny at all…..Very cruel joke to local people….
No harm meant at all, Maddy, just trying to have a little fun. We believe Jay Peak and Burke have great skiing and opportunities and that’s why Canadians flock there.
And this is why I dislike public comments. Enjoyed the article, enjoyed everyone else’s humor about it and then there’s at least one person who feels its cruel. Killed my April first completely with a sour puss. Were you ready to move to Mexico? Had stock in Jay Peak? Seriously, I feel sorry for you that you can’t find humor in life. If you need a friend I’m here. Maybe we can find some together.
I don’t think the comment was meant to kill your April Michael, I mean really is this all about you? For anyone who owns property at Jay Peak this was scary as hell, as if they haven’t been through enough already. your comment was also public and I disliked it.
So now for Vermonters to enjoy Jay peak we need passports? This makes no sense. Sure be great for someone to buy it, but giving it to Canada? Really?
Happy April 1, Sarai. (see the note at the end0.
Well done. Hilarious!
Great writing and completely hilarious! Best April Fools in a long time!! Thank you for putting a smile on my face!
Great April Fool’s – well done!
Great article. Follows in the tradition of great April Fools articles by fine publications. Thanks very much.
Sidd Finch
I’m Canadian,,, I was so upset to see Justin wasting more of our hard earned tax dollars…
The more I read, the madder I was…
Well written, you had me, hook line and sinker!
Thanks for a good laugh!!!
Glad we could turn that anger into laughter, Lorraine and thank you for your note!
They gave the joke away for me, when they mentioned the St. Albans border. None of fhe route numbers on the map are of actual roads in Vt.
darn, it was too good to be true 🙁
Wonder-full “Poisson d’avril!”
Good one!! Did you also write the article about Vail resorts including Stowe not allowing snowboards next year?
No but that was a good one too!
Lisa, that was hysterical! Have sent the link to friends on the other side of the border. Great job!
Thank you, Carol,
and glad you got a laugh out of it!
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